1 . He is made of poison.
Girls, if that saliva is green and bubbling, don’t kiss him, you’ll die from poison! To say nothing of his corrosive sweat!
2. His palms are hairy, his index finger is longer than middle, and there’s a pentagram there.
Kween, he a werewolf! You just know he’ll chase you along a moor one day and you ain’t no Buffy LOL! But for serious, run. He’ll rip your apart.
3. He’s said the phrase ‘Guards, seize him!’
Does he have a big read cloak? A crown! He’s the prophecied master of the Eastern Dark! Don’t get with that!
4. You can taste human meat on his breath.
Lady, he’s a cannibal and even if he eats you the good way now, one day he’ll straight eat you! He can probably cook though so time that break up! ROFLMAO (help me)
5. You saw him peel of his skin and he had scales underneath.
Grrrl – he’s a lizard man and he lives under the earth and controls Jewish banking! In conjunction with the Annunaki, he’s got plans to make destructive weapons from the human soul and overthrow God!
6. He’s eight feel tall, biomechanical, and has two sets of jaws.
Sista, your man is a xenomorph! You don’t want to mess wif no horrifying assemblage of fear producing elements in one body! Only room for one set of eggs in yo body and they ain’t his! Also, when that dating profile don’t match, you know something ain’t right!
7. He’s twenty feet tall and hates the sun.
We all know we like a tall man but a giant who has sworn to destroy the very concept of light and drown the earth in perpetual darkness? We can’t get down with that.
8. He is a shark
He is a shark!
9. You notice weird strings from his body, which is wood.
Come on, girlfriend! A creepy human sized marionette controlled by an invisible puppeteer made from a wood which is uncannily close to, but not exactly the same as, the texture of human flesh? Who’s spasmodic jerking motions are ineluctably sinister? We all like a woody (aw yiss!) but his urge to transform you into a half-alive doll shrieking forever inside your own lacquered skin just ain’t worth it!
10. He owns a black carriage and the local girls hide when it arrives in the village.
If he took all them other girls up to his castle and then weird blue light spilled from the windows and the girls were never seen again, but you can hear their pitiful weeping on moonless nights, he a playa. And possibly offering women up to The Unclean One for eternal life, or doing some wack ass experiments on the human soul. You can hit it, but you got to know he’ll quit it.
Right, Buzzfeed, employ me.