Behold, I Shew You A Mystery

Posted: 18th November 2017 by Christian in Blog

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So I’ve been reading an early draft of Star Wars and it’s fascinating stuff.

Luke Skywalker was originally ‘to be played by a burnt stick in a towel, chain smoking’ and was ‘imprisoned in his own verbs.’
Han Solo was a woman character named Threatbelly. He had a starship called ‘Pointless Question’ and his sidekick was ‘a kind of homosexual lamprey with barely any hats’ who’s name was Golda Meir.

Yoda is described as ‘hated by his own organs’ and is ‘70% the sad-eyed ghost of a chimp god.’ He eventually trains Luke in how to ‘inject a kind of stupid poison’ into the bloodstream of his enemies before deciding ‘life is for those who’s high heels and worn to nubs’ and essentially begging himself to fade from existence.
Darth Vader, described as ‘what if a golem couldn’t be arsed’, eventually fights Obi-Wan (‘a human vulture soul drunk on his own impersonation of snide Christ’) in a duel of ‘moral courage and pudding.’ A fierce space battle rages outside where ‘inverted space intestines and socks of fearsome size battle their own metallic self-doubt. Make no mistake, it’s a threshing, by golly.’

Princess Leia remains exactly the same except for one unusual scene where she begs to be ‘released from those pulleys and strings of meat I am not just a marionette, muchacho’, to a bored golden robot wearing gloves.

Reading about ‘Empire’ now and one of the really interesting things is how Jedi were re-imagined.
Lucas’ notes are a bit confused but at one point he refers to them as ‘completely juiceless. No Jedi could ever be pressed into a drink and I’ll fire anyone who disagrees’ and also as ‘Trained mainly by being squeezed up against sharks.’

They don’t have the iconic lightsabres but rather ‘apple corers chock full of diseases’ and ‘frozen rods of urine.’
But I think most fascinatingly, they don’t have the Force. Instead, they worship a deity called, variously, the Throb, Throbbinator, Old Mr. Throbby, Big Force Frank, Joseph Zeppelin, Invisible Finger Men and eventually Mrs’ Pachuchoa’s Gold.

This miraculous ‘space voodoo’ grants Jedi that ability to ‘effortlessly ignore business meetings’ and ‘banish shoes.’ At one point, Darth Vader is seen ‘proving nipples aren’t real’ with it. Obi Wan Kenobi, now a ‘discarded exhalation from a lung you wouldn’t let marry you’ is seen to use Old Mr. Throbby to punch himself in his ‘vulgar ghost neck.’

Lando Calrissian is imagined as ‘six foot eleven’ and ‘luridly covered in gold paint’ and ‘unworthy of even a face.’ With ‘knuckles like the ambition of a gorilla.’
Boba Fett’s role remains the same except that he ‘is almost entirely a dog’ and his armour ‘a dizzying array of failed ambitions and slimy meat.’ He actually disintegrates Han Solo, here called ‘Fancy Dan’, a kind of ‘elaborate wig who refuses to learn.’

But perhaps the most interesting change is the revelation that Princess Leia, here called ‘Balls McLean’ is Chewbacca’s father. ‘Yes, I spawned you, half my luck. How was I to know meiosis strikes like lightning in the depths of space. I’ll loan you no money.’
Honestly, this is a exceptional reading.

But it’s Return of the Jedi that things get really meaty. Originally subtitled ‘Suffering Bastard Tree’, we open up in Jabba’s Palace.

Jabba went through many revisions. ‘A bean bag filled with puppies’. ‘The screaming face of my father, projected against the moon’, ‘Immoral soup’, ‘Very big pants filled with unlikable giblets,’ ‘Imagine J. Edgar Hoover as an alluring, houri cheerleader’, ‘A vimana of custard’ and ‘space arses emphatically linked.’ He is not a gangster but a collector of ‘interior nurse faces’ and scribbled notes seems to suggest this is Lucas’ vision of how God looks.
Eventually he feeds Luke to ‘Dave’, a ‘tedious monster barely worth mentioning.’ Luke, apparently bored by the predicament, tells Dave ‘Mince and whinge as you will, you’re not impressing anyone.’ Dave, hurt, escapes and we are given a frankly baffling subplot of a gigantic monster in various forms of therapy by clearly unqualified shonks.

Han Solo refuses to be freed from carbonite, referred to as ‘the apotheosis of cheese’ and promptly kills himself, only to be resurrected by Luke who takes visible pleasure in the screaming wig’s denied death. ‘What have you done to deserve a blank future, you and your sticky fingers?’
We meet Ewoks, at first called ‘Ham Larrys’, and they seem to be ambulatory mushrooms covered in religious icons. There is no mention of the Death Star, the Rebel Alliance seems to visit the forest moon of Pork Devastation only to seek out ‘a cheering up.’

While there, the Ham Larrys demand ’14 Euros’, which is quite prescient as the Euro was fifteen years away from becoming currency and is seen by many scholars as being an anti-Brexit statement.
Luke eventually goes to the Imperial Homeworld – called Party Slug, apparently an impressively huge mollusk, to reluctantly confront Darth Vader. Not his father in this draft, but as the climax reveals, Luke’s abomination of his own reflection given life.

Why Darth Vader is ‘scary as a burst sausage tickling your trachea’ is never revealed. Nevertheless, he still wields an impressive weapon, a 2×4 with a feral cat welded to it.

Strangely, while he receives no lines and takes no part of the action, the Emperor is present. ‘A mad puppet’, ‘shrieking like a mongoose,’ ‘fishing,’ and ‘flapping about in his dress like a woman with ants for feet’. Nevertheless, Luke studiously ignores him, at one point clearly annoyed the Emperor is dangling a Punch and Judy doll in his face as a piss sword battle takes place, yet refusing to acknowledge the distraction.
There is no clear winner to the fight as Darth and Luke eventually daintily grip hands and simply stare at each other. Cut to black, credit rolls.
I hope this has been useful to you and not, as I fear, about as productive as explaining gravy to a cat.

As ever, the best place to hit me up is mrchristianread on twitter. Goodbye. I love you.